Coping Mechanism

I started this blog in the peak of my angst and beginning of my grief recovery about two years ago. Since I’ve used it as a both a sharing mechanism, to purge, and as a coping mechanism. Doesn’t surprise me as I’m trying to process this week that I’m back here. Probably gonna be a little rambling cause my thoughts are swirling at warp speed but it is what it is.

No joke y’all – this week has been a LOT. About 4 pm yesterday the emotions and the tears finally forced their way out and got the better of me. One of the millions of things I love about Tim though is he already knew they were there. He also knew I’d let them go in my own time and didn’t poke. But when he scooted over in the hospital bed and opened his arms for me to sit next to him there was no stopping them. My greatest fear is losing him.

I have no idea where in childhood I learned to hide feelings in time of crisis to “protect” whomever was in harm’s way but it’s a muscle memory reflex as sure as breathing. Both with PawPaw and with Fred my role was to “be the rock”. With PawPaw my grandma counted on me to listen to the doctors and be able to explain it clearly to both her and him. I was young enough then I didn’t really understand emotions like anxiety and pretty much ALL of my emotions got packaged up and set on the shelf. It’s been interesting to discover this last couple of years that I’ve still been unpacking that dusty box. With Fred, I was caretaker, parent for the kids, sole provider, chief bottle washer – you get the idea. Who had time for processing emotions? And I damn sure tried hard not to let him know how scared I was.

This week I stepped into those shoes as if I never left them. The difference this time was after the initial shock of where we were and the situation we are in – I knew that wasn’t ok. That’s NOT what two and a half years of counseling has taught me. I’ve done too much work on understanding that what I need is actually a BETTER way to help in crisis than the unbending “I can do anything in any situation all by myself” person I’ve always worked to be. This time I’ve leaned hard into my tribe and worked at asking for help. It doesn’t come easy – feels like admitting weakness – but it has helped more than I ever dreamed it could.

In a rare turn of events I’ve checked out mentally on work and you know what? It hasn’t burnt down (or at least not that anyone has said). I spent so much time with Fred working bedside in a hospital, pulling late nights, trying to work a full week and be a full time caretaker. Allowing myself to center on what Tim needs this week I know is the right thing for us. Doesn’t make it any easier for a workaholic like me but I did learn a few things the last time around this particular sun.

Tim is worried because as is usual when I’m in stress food isn’t my friend. My stomach isn’t playing ball with anything I put in it. Sleeping in a hospital chair isn’t helping either. But letting the tears flow, reaching out to safe places to say any of the million things I’m thinking, working hard NOT to draw comparisons to the past as much as I can in this eerily similar situation – all of those things are helping a little at a time. But there is no getting around it. Being back here, dealing with this disease in someone I love, is HARD. I just have to remember what the counselor says to me all the time – I am a different woman now than I was a few years ago and I have different tools in my tool box and a deeper understanding of who I am and how to process hard situations. There was a moment yesterday I would have said she was dead wrong….but I know she’s right.

Thanks for listening to my rambling…it’s just one of my tools in my dealing with life toolbox. Blessings y’all! – A