Proverbs 22:6

⁶ Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.

A friend of mine sent me this scripture as I was beating myself with questions I am sure so many adult parents do as they watch their little birds totter out into the traffic of the adult world. We want to leap after them to shield them as has always been our job and we forget it no longer is (or at least I do). Questions plagued me like “what did I do wrong?”, “when did I become the enemy?”, “they were taught better than that, I thought, did I not do as good a job as I thought I did?”. Questions that I speculate in a two parent household mom and dad bounce off of each other and reassure each other that all those questions are normal. Questions doubled by being left alone to finish the raising that Fred and I discussed so many many nights during our marriage and before he died. Now doing the baby bird releasing on my own I do not have that reassurance when those negative thoughts come knocking.

Or so I thought. As I was sitting at my desk today my phone went off with a reminder for a devotional I started over the summer and hadn’t been back to since – “Prayers of Blessing Over My Adult Children”. No rhyme or reason why, just heaven sent. When I clicked it it took me right into a reading about how when a person reaches adulthood their choices become their own responsibility. Today’s society pressures us parents to take responsibility for every bad choice our adult children make and gladly give over credit for every amazing thing our adult child does. This is false. I think the most profound thing I got from the reading was this: “Does God hold parents accountable for the sins of their children?” When I am standing before Him will my children’s sins be on my list of things to account for? NOPE. I had to read that more than once and it’s still bouncing around in my brain like a ping pong ball refusing to settle.

How can that be? How can I have raised this tiny human into a big human and not be flogged for every single mistake, wrong turn, bad choice they make? Society says I should be. Goodness knows I was judged for what they wore to school, the curse word they said to the teacher, or what I fed them for lunch. Go jump in the lake society. God says I’ve done my best and it’s up to them now. I am only accountable for myself and my choices. I know that this is easier said than done. We all live with the judgement of others and those of us that are super sensitive to it are in hell most of the time. But with prayer and petition I can be set free from those judgements as well as from the blame for things going wrong that my children want to put off on me.

Back to the scripture. Even if you’ve done the work, and regardless of what you did right or wrong according to the latest parenting trend, your children may stray from their values for a while. Maybe a long while. Maybe by their own choice and maybe by temptation. But if you have done your job God says they will return to what you taught them. I don’t know about you but I find that immensely comforting. Especially without my sweet husband here to reassure me that we, in fact, raised amazing humans. 🙂

That look. That’s the one I feel like I have these days when a Friday night rolls around and the house is quiet and I’m wondering what the rest of humanity is doing. It’s a “I don’t really care enough to get up and see but I am wondering” kind of look.

This Friday has me questioning where a week went. Where did five days of my life go at a breakneck speed that is the biggest indicator we’ve hit spring rush in my business? Snowstorm? What snow storm? As all the memes indicate Texas has proven yet again to be the only place on earth that you can go from 6” of snow, no power, and single digit temps to short sleeve shirts, heat off, and sun roof open sunshine kind of weather in less than seven days. 🙄

Don’t get me wrong – I love spring. I love the selection of plants available for my yard. I love the challenge my job brings. I love that pause in temps between stupid chilly and soul sucking hot. Every year I look forward to spring rush like a crazy person and then anywhere between a week to a month in I am thinking I must have lost my mind when I got all fluttery at the mention of spring. This year is already proving to be no different. Complete with a week long snowstorm to freeze off all green things and make everything be a NOW.

I’ve got big plans for spring this year. I’ve got a 1/3 of an acre for my green thumb to do it’s thing to. But right now I’m just gonna take a page out of Lilah’s book and sit and wonder what the rest of the world is doing. Where the biggest decision I have to make tonight is when to head to pajamas and what my stomach might tolerate to eat….

Happy Friday night…be safe out there in the crazy world. ❤️

I recently read a book called Braving The Wilderness by Brene Brown that left a phrase rattling in my head that won’t let go.

Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart.

Say those words over and over in your head for a second. Heck, say them out loud and don’t care who is listening. When I first heard them I went immediately mentally to a turtle. Hard outer shell….soft belly….okay maybe a wild heart what do we as humans know? Of course Crush from Nemo had a wild heart so 🤷🏼‍♀️.

The premise of that part of the book (as I understood it) is we as humans keep that shell in the front . To protect ourselves, keep others out, sort of deflect the other humans in the world that might harm us. Ok, not might, definitely do. I am guilty as charged on that one. With what my 42 years has dished out I don’t let you close until you have proven yourself trustworthy. But under that visual in my head I’m a turtle upside down in my shell. That makes it pretty hard to move forward!

I’ve been stuck in the mud for a long long time. Grieving and hiding behind raising amazing humans. But life is moving forward. So is this phrase from that book sticking with me as a sign from God that if I don’t want to die inside my turtle shell I need to figure out how to put it on correctly and start down the road? Only God knows how much wild is in my heart wanting to get out. If you’ve been around me and I really trust you you know I can cut loose, have fun, and be a completely different person when I stop guarding myself and just BE. When I stop letting some invisible set of rules run my life and worrying about doing or saying the “wrong” thing. When I stop cringing in my shell waiting on harsh criticisms that, admittedly, rarely come as frequently as I expect them. When I can tell myself “who cares what _____ thinks about that, you did AWESOME”.

Knowing those things need to be done, recognizing it, is only part of the battle. A HUGE first part yes, but the follow through? Hell. I’d rather give birth again. Change is hard. Change blows rocks. Right??

Part of the purpose of this blog is for me to embrace the things that I enjoy. To pull them out, dust them off, and incorporate them into being a single empty nester. **Side note: y’all with your babies still at home soak that up. Empty nesting makes postpartum look like a walk in the park.** I am trying to figure out how to get right in my shell, what I want out of the next chapter, Act II, the next season, whatever the hell you call it because everyone seems to have a different name for it, and identify who I am. So here I am. Take me as I am and enjoy the ride with me!

Which way is your shell facing?

It’s been a trying week of cold temperatures, power outages, water worries (either not having any or busted pipes), and either too much togetherness or too much alone time. For me, it’s the latter. I’ve slowly been acclimating to a house without the noise of the kids but the complete and total silence that comes in a house with no power and no dogs barking because of no one walking by is another thing completely. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think I’d lose my mind a couple of times. But it was also a good time of reading, reflection, prayer, connection with family via phone, and digging into the last year in my head.

I didn’t come out with any huge revelations. I do know I am more grateful for things I think we took for granted before…heat when I’m cold. Lights when I want to read. The way my boys always took care of things I didn’t even know about. For example…in three places in the house the pipes froze and I didn’t have water. When I began to see posts from other friends about collapsed ceilings and homes full of water I realized I had absolutely no idea where to turn off the main water if that were to happen. I literally sat in my chair and cried. Such a small thing and something about both Fred and Lee I took for granted. I am sure they could or would have both listed off a long list of those things I haven’t even found yet but that one hit me between the eyes. Top of my goal list this week is finding that shut off. A girl has to know how to take care of herself.

I said when the dumb groundhog said six more weeks of winter that he always gets it wrong and spring was coming. I can tell you from working remotely the end of this week and with what is on the horizon that SPRING is coming. Hard and fast. I feel that same rumble in my tummy I have for the last twenty years in this business. Half excitement, a quarter “am I ready”, and a quarter HELL YAH. Spring at works means long days, fast paced, a challenged mind, and watching winter unfold. Here at home, this year, it will mean taking the blank slate of the 1/3 of an acre I bought and starting to make my mark. I already have fruit trees on the way here (provided the ones I ordered before the storm survived it).

Snow no more…spring is coming. Who’s ready?!?