His Time

If you know me you know I struggle with the “I can fix it” syndrome. I don’t need any help from anyone to fix a situation just get out of my way and I’ll handle it. It’s worked remarkably well for 42 years. Or at least that’s what the illusion to myself has been.

The past year has taught me many things. It has taught me that my grief has not even begun to dissipate as I convinced myself it had. It taught me my children are, in fact, not babies anymore despite how I will always see them. It has taught me what real true pain is. Deeper than I could have ever imagined feeling and so bad it physically affected my health. Those are the bad things it has taught me.

On the flip side of that coin it has taught me I have a community I had no idea I had. Girlfriends that listen to me when I am not sure I would listen to myself anymore. It has taught me that somewhere deep inside there is a strong woman capable of pulling herself out of the lowest place she has ever been. Ever. It has taught me how to say “I’m sorry”, “I was wrong”, “I’ve never thought of it that way”, and “Dear God I didn’t mean it that way”.

Most importantly it has taught me to pray. To fall on my knees and pray with every fiber of my being. It has taught me that my Creator wants me near. That despite the fire and brimstone I grew up with on the rare occasions I was taken to church and my anger at the church for the Sunday sinners such as my deplorable mother – God wants ME. Despite my mistakes. Despite my sailor mouth. Despite my anger for taking my husband away. Despite EVERYTHING. How is that even possible?

And yet…I’ve gotten plugged into a church that I swear on my life the pastor writes that sermon week after week like he is looking into my soul. I just can’t even describe the way it makes me feel when a message like that is delivered straight to all the parts that hurt in my being.

I keep a box on my desk that the front side says “Give it to God” and the backside says “Write your prayer down and give it to God by folding it into the box. Take a breath, relax and stop worrying. Have faith, let go, and let God take over.” When I feel the most anxious during the day I stop, I write down what I am worrying about and I slip it into the box. Does it always help? No. Probably because I can’t always let it go. Does it help a lot of the time? Yep.

One of the things I struggle most with is still the “I can fix it”. Even my prayers sometimes are directing God on how I think it should be fixed (and I am SURE he is laughing at me). One of the reminders I got today, after a day of angst and tears yesterday, is that it is and always will be on HIS time. My plan is not his plan. My desires don’t fit his. I think I miss those signs sometimes but the BAAAMMMM reminder I got this morning? Tears. Just tears.

Not sure I really had a point of this post today other than to say – Trust Him. Let it be on His time. And I say that as a reminder to myself as much as I do to you. Blessings.

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