My insomnia lately has been epic. Just epic. I can’t decide if it’s because I have too much energy to burn or if it’s too many new and exciting things going on in my life that my mind just won’t rest. Whatever the reason I found myself awake to catch a completely gorgeous sunrise out at sea this morning and I was mesmerized with God’s stunning artwork…
Carnival Dream Thanksgiving Cruise 2021
The magnitude of the new days that are breaking in my life always circles back to the blessing that God has gotten me through the dark and the sun seems to be rising on the next chapter. Light is shining into all the dark places where pain has hidden and with it comes joy. Light that on the hardest darkest days I didn’t know would come again.
Psalm 143:8 says: Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.
Even when I wasn’t very religious, watching the sun come up and bathe the world in light had the power to stir me. Reading that scripture now, and understanding it to the very depth of who I am, it is a promise that each day God will sustain me and always bring back the light no matter what harshness this ugly world brings. It gives me hope that He will fulfill the same promise to each person in my life that I love and pray for.
May He bring blessing to you today as you spend long weekends with friends and family. Safe travels home to all. – Amy
“Friends are the family you choose with your heart.”
Macedonia, Romania, Greece, Italy, Belarus, Mexico, Serbia, New York, Connecticut, Baltimore, California, Arkansas… If you had asked this shy small town girl who graduated in a class with only 23 other people if she would have friends located in all these far away places she would have laughed at you. And yet….
Instagram messenger goes off and my face lights up with a message from my Z in Macedonia. It’s 4 am where he is and yet the timing works perfectly to get to catch up. I’m working away at the office and Facebook messenger is dinging with excited chatter is coming in fast and furiously from the East Coast about an upcoming trip or from the sweet lady that mothers ME who is on a ship somewhere in the Caribbean. WhatsApp goes off to let me know I have a voice message from a treasured friend in Belarus I am praying to be able to see within a couple months. All blessings I never dreamed would be part of my life. Precious communication with people who have all become part of my life in ways this small town girl couldn’t have ever seen coming.
I’ve said before Thanksgiving always makes me reflect on everything. Many many of these special people are in my life from cruising and trips that centered around the holidays. This year as I reflect back on where the year started and the beautiful place I am in now, I am that much more thankful for each of these special people. Thankful for the role they played in my healing. Thankful for knowing I can pick up the phone at pretty much any time of day (thanks insomnia!) and reconnect with someone who stirs memories that can chase away the worst of moods.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. Would fight to the end of time for each of them and to protect them. But there is something so special about having people in your life that don’t HAVE to be but CHOOSE to be. It’s humbling to know I have made an impression on someone enough they include me in their life that is going on hours away. More than just keeping up with their social media posts, but really knowing how they are and missing them fiercely. Knowing they get as excited to see me as I do them.
As we go into a season that tends to bring out the worst in all of us because of stress, bad family trauma, or a variety of other reasons – I challenge you to reconnect with SOMEONE who once made your heart beat faster and a smile hit your face because their name showed up on your phone. It’ll make everything else seem unimportant.
To those who chose me simply because I’m me – I LOVE YOU!
In years past I’ve spent all of November trying to remember to post something I was grateful for each day. In all honesty, I should be grateful year round because I have blessings beyond any I thought I would have in my life. Even with the cruel cards life has chosen to deal at times God has blessed me abundantly. So I decided this year I would sum it all up at one time and turn my attention on enjoying the things this season of life and time of year is serving up.
I am so grateful and thankful for my tribe. They know who they are! If ever I needed a reminder as to how amazing they are the way they took care of me last week shows it. I have family members who didn’t even check on me until I’d been down for a week but my tribe, my girls, and my son in law were there in every way they could be. There is a saying that friends are the family we get to choose and mine are my family as much as anyone in my life by blood or by marriage. My life is richer because of them.
I am so grateful and I am truly blessed by the friends my travel has brought into my life. Knowing that I can step on almost any ship or go just about anywhere and have a friend to hang out with or reconnect with is humbling. The shy country girl that exists somewhere inside me is getting quieter and quieter because I truly love getting to know new people on each new adventure.
I said this to someone the other day off the cuff and when I thought about it later I realized I never really realized what a blessing it was. Holidays were hard even before the loss of my hubby. Growing up holidays were laced with family drama and usual my mom fighting with the current spouse. In 2012 Fred and I took the kids on their first cruise and we went over Thanksgiving. While that turned out to be the last time Fred would ever cruise with us, it started a tradition that will honestly probably be in place the rest of my life. While I can do the whole shebang it’s my preference to pack my bag, say peace out to the cooking and cleaning, and sail away for 7-8 days. I am beyond thankful that Fred had the foresight and the selflessness to stay home each year and let the kids and I cultivate this tradition. And in two short weeks it’ll be time for Em and I to celebrate Thanksgiving again – our way!
This one is weird but I am thankful for the hardships I’ve been through. Who I am today as a person is from withstanding the storms of life. The appreciation I have for my blessings is because I know firsthand my life could be so much worse. Life can tear you down and change you for the worst or it can claw at you and shape you for the better! It may take me a little time sometimes to see the silver lining but I always find it.
Nothing should be taken away from these next few just because they are lumped together. I’m grateful for a roof over my head, wheels under my feet, a job that I love, and the fur babies that love me unconditionally. Not everyone can get out of bed every day and go to a job that they love and where they are loved. I try not to take that for granted. I am supported in every way by bosses that have seen me through the lowest points in my life over the last ten years.
In this month of Thanksgiving – what are you reminded to be thankful for?
Two years ago I was in Rome, Italy. My Timehop is bombarding me with memories of all the beauty and wonder that Italy and Greece was. Thought I’d take a trip down memory lane…
Riomaggiore
This little village was perhaps one of my favorite stops of the week and was a last minute itinerary add based on the recommendation of my orthopedist. When we got there (after 36 hours awake!) I was instantly in love. Charming little area by the sea with steep enough hills to make you want to be sure you are in shape before you visit. Mailed my first overseas postcard from there and got to practice my Italian-that-sounds-like-Spanish with a sweet shop keeper who had the patience of a saint.
The Coliseum
Another bucket list item, the Coliseum, did not fail to take my breath away. From being inside it and having a grasp of just how long it has been standing to capturing it from a distance as we finished our tour it was just a magnificent experience.
Being overseas and seeing the structures that have stood for thousands of years and remain gorgeous makes you wonder why we (Americans) always tear stuff down and have to have bigger better more. The craftsman ship that was in every place we went in Italy and Greece just can’t be matched stateside!
The food!!!
I was sort of prepared to eat well in Italy…but totally unprepared for how amazing the food would be. Or that my better off gluten free self would be able to tolerate their pasta and breads so well. One of our first stops was a roadside “gas” station that offered up fresh squeezed orange juice and fresh bread you never want to stop eating. The food was like that everywhere in Italy and Greece. Makes my mouth water just to think about going back to that food!
I have hundreds of pictures from Italy and Greece. I know I will go back but there is something special about your first time. I am grateful for the TimeHop reminders to nudge another trip overseas higher up the must do list.
I have long believed that there are places that live in our heart that, when given the chance to return there, fill your happy tank in a way that is indescribable. Hot Springs as a whole is one of those places but within that magic town is a winding road up to the mountain tower. It’s tradition for our family to drive it before we head out of town. It’s also become tradition to take more than a few minutes to appreciate the beauty of the area.
Hot Springs, AR
For me, today, this road had a different message. Today I could see the connection between this winding road and the path I’ve been on the last few years. I could appreciate the beauty of the landscape that masks the possibility of falling right over the steep edge. How many times have I fallen off the edge as I’ve worked on healing? How many times have I failed to appreciate the beauty that lies even in the fear and the pain? Too many to count.
Today I saw a road to follow that you can’t see the destination. I just have to start down it and have faith that around each corner or dip in the road that same road is still under me and in front of me carrying me to the next destination. I know that some of the positive message I took from this place is a reflection of the peaceful happy place I have reached in my heart but somehow it feels bigger than that.
How many time do we deviate from the path because we focus on one of the tiny details on the side of the road instead of having faith in the road we’re on? Faith is a hard thing sometimes. As humans we think we can fix, control, or change things that are out of our control. The reality is that we can’t change a thing. We have to put our faith in God and the road ahead no matter how hard.
The road I am on now has me focused on the future. On chasing dreams and having a life filled with joy and laughter. Letting go of the illusion that I could change anything about the road God set me on has cracked open my heart so wide it’s breathtaking.
Don’t be afraid of the road. Have faith and just start the journey. It’ll make you happier than you could ever dream of if you focus on the beauty instead of the pain.
6 weeks until Thanksgiving. 10 weeks until Christmas. 11 weeks until we say goodbye to 2021 (who thankfully has been kinder than 2020) and hello 2022.
Freakin’ mind blowing. 2020 was a “B”. No way to sugar coat it – it just was. For so many reasons I could write a book about it. But for all the ways 2020 sucked for me (and all of us), 2021 brought about equally as many positive changes to my life. Changes I didn’t know I needed. Changes that giving thanks for them every day takes up part of my prayers each morning.
Even though life is more joyful and happy than I have known it to be in longer than I can remember, my stomach still clenches a little at the thought of the months of November and December. Aside from the fact that for at least the next six weeks work will be insane, Nov/Dec always bring out unrealistic expectations of myself and are flooded with land mines of memories and special dates.
Unlike years past this year I started working through what my expectations were of myself during these trying months before they get here. The answer? I HAVE NONE. I have committed to myself that I will not turn holiday season 2021 into a mental vortex of “gotta do’s”, tears, or judging myself for not being able to do _______________ (insert whatever). Instead I’ve mapped out the things that are important to me and with the fam and the rest will just be taken as it comes. I made plans for both November and December travel that will keep me focused on sandy beaches and frosty cocktails when I feel the stress coming on. My children are all grown so there will be no deck the halls and worrying about what the dogs eat of those decorations when I am at work. No long list of presents to buy and wrap. (hallelujah!)
The goal this year is to spend November taking a moment each day to give thanks for all I have and am blessed with. The goal for December is to remember the reason we celebrate Christmas. God has so blessed my life in the last year! I want to cherish time with family and friends and keep the joy I currently can’t get enough as close to me as possible. THIS is the year I am not a crying puddle of goo by December 25th. THIS is the year that I will savor the good memories, on the important dates, and not mourn what has been lost. THIS is the year that closes a great chapter in my life but starts the next even better one.
Happy Halloween, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!
I had a long convo with a close friend last week and through the twists and turns of that conversation came the idea of dealbreakers.
When we are young and chasing the youthful love that our 20’s bring we don’t think of what WE need. Life just feels good and is intoxicating. It never occurs to us that we can say “you are a nice person but not the person for me” because…. Mainly because at that stage of life we don’t know ourselves – let alone know how to really see people. Be it friends or lovers our emotions rule over our heads and the gut instinct you develop from life kicking the crap out of you just ain’t there yet.
But when you find yourself at the mature phase of life, seeking out someone worthy of your time for whatever reason, the rules are different. You know yourself (or should) better than you ever have. You know what you are looking for and admittedly it can seem like a needle in a haystack. But following the idea that there is a glove for every hand – settling for someone who only checks two of your ten boxes just to not be alone is insane.
For me personally? I’ve had love and I’ve been treated like a queen. The standards are high. A huge dealbreaker this time around is anyone who doesn’t have at least a little wanderlust in their heart. Seeing this huge world is the focus on the next chapter of my life. I’ve done bills and babies and hectic schedules. I want to sit on a patio in Greece and watch an incredible sunset with someone who will appreciate it as much as I do.
That someone should love animals and be able to handle craziness that comes with my nutballs. Be able to melt at a pair of puppy dog eyes as quickly as I do. Be open to the zoo that lives in my heart.
Must be a southern gentleman. Someone who makes me feel safe while making me laugh – at myself and everything else. I’ve had too many tears…laughter is required in this season.
That’s as far as I’ve gotten. I’ve only dipped my toe back into the dating world as it is a SCARY place after almost 20 years of being devoted to one person. The world has the same number of nutballs as it always did and I’m afraid of being a magnet for them. 🤷🏻♀️
But it is empowering to know that with a mature heart logic can at least have a chance over lust. Fred always told me I wasn’t meant to be alone – I have too much love to give. I used to dismiss him when he said that. As I’ve healed I realize he is right. I have so much I want to do and see and while I don’t NEED anyone…having someone to share it with is how God intended life to be liven.
Growing up I couldn’t see myself ever making it (literally staying alive) until I was 30. Was quite sure my abusive childhood would lead me into a situation that would kill me before then. When 30 came around I was happier than I had ever been in my life. I had married my best friend and had a thriving household. It was an occasion we celebrated and I didn’t give any thought to what 40 would bring.
Fast forward 10 years and I celebrated my 40th birthday without my love. My children made sure it was an amazing celebration – checked off a couple bucket list items for that trip – so I had no reason to feel sad but I was. On this birthday the future was all I thought about. All I had ever known myself to be was predefined roles. I didn’t FEEL 40! There was a part of my brain going “this can’t be right”.
Society pushes us to seek love, marriage, and the baby carriage as ultimate life goals. Most of us rush at them like a runaway freight train and then wonder a few years later why. What we don’t learn is how important taking care of your own self is to those goals. Literally we judge others who put themselves first. I learned to be afraid of judgement from others and expected to conform myself to whomever I needed to be to serve the situation. Fred pushed me to at least be able to start the process of finding myself and my voice but when love, marriage, and the baby carriage either died or started to leave the nest chaos ensued.
With a lot of hard work, making many mistakes along the way, I am starting to figure that out. I know I am not alone in this season of discovery…heck I’ve even see that there are books written on the subject about finding oneself after 40. I’m surrounded by good people that revel with me on whatever new thing we have discovered is not as we always thought it was. I’m in an exciting time of life where I am having a blast. It’s just flat amazing how empowering it is to not have to consult with anyone before making choices. Realizing that others are so lost in their own pain and survival that they don’t even notice the thing I used fear was a neon sign above my head. The most powerful discovery for me personally is someone else’s reality isn’t mine. I am not whatever label someone else has tried to stick on me. Someone else’s judgement of me is about them and their insecurity and fears, not me. Try that one on for size. It’ll blow your mind.
But it leads me to wonder why are we not teaching our children that nurturing your own self and being an individual is not a bad thing? What would it change for the next generation if they understood individuality with make them MORE not less? How do we break the cycle of caring and/or fearing what others think? That being a healthy individual capable of standing on your own two feet makes better relationships not worse ones? Lots of food for thought on those questions for a later post.
I’ll close with…don’t be afraid of the second chapter in life. Wherever you are on your journey about you, it’s a season of empowering change that your only regret will be not discovering these truths in your 20’s. Dust off the bucket list. MAKE a bucket list. Take the trip. Wear the whatever. Do something crazy and impulsive and do not care who is watching. Maybe YOU will inspire someone else!
Carnival Horizon peeking through the palms in La Romana
When I go too long between cruises I forget. I forget the energy that thrums through your body when you wake up on embarkation day and realize that FINALLY it’s time to get onboard. I forget how my heart races when my foot crosses the threshold of the ship and every muscle in my body screams “YES”. I also forget the way life just fades away and time slows down for a few days.
But the people? People are different onboard.
The crew you meet…there aren’t words for these amazing human beings. They make you feel like you are the most special person in their world for a week. They have some superhuman capacity for remembering they have met you before. With the thousands of faces they see I have no idea how on that one. But some of the kindest, sweetest, most compassionate gentle souls I have ever met dedicate their lives to these ships and making vacations unforgettable. It makes me physically ill when I see the few that can’t seem to leave their bad attitudes at home and abuse them like they are servants. More on that another time.
Amber Cove – a look at just how big Carnival Horizon is!
I think the most fascinating is how the guests are. 98% are more easy going and open to meeting new people than they ever would be at home. If the human race could tap into the energy and attitude you find aboard a cruise ship? Hell, we’d have no wars or division anywhere. There is something truly magical about meeting someone you wouldn’t have met otherwise (mainly because they live 1000 miles away from you) and feeling your heart click like they are your best friend. I can’t tell you how many of these friendships I have made that remain near and dear to my heart.
Prior to this week it has been 18 months since I was on a ship. The longest I’ve gone since 2012. Now that I have proven to myself I can do it alone, and love it, I can assure you that will be the longest gap I will have for as long as God provides me the ability to keep cruising through life. ❤️
Ever had an idea take root in your brain and just not let go? I mean really not let go? When I was relaying such an idea to my daughter and it reduced me to tears I knew it was more than an idea. It was a bona fide gotta do no matter what thing. Let me back up….
There are people who come into your life and you know they are meant to be there always. You may not see them every day. You may not see them every year. But they are ingrained in the fabric of your life and you miss them. Sometimes more fiercely than others.
In my life, one of those people is this sweet lady. We met Annamaria on our Carnival Vista Thanksgiving cruise in 2017. My soul was in fresh hell from losing Fred. She made me smile and laugh that cruise – turned it into a normal Thanksgiving vacation for us. Just helped me escape reality.
We flew to New York for my 40th birthday in July 2018 to join her on the Carnival Horizon. (And to check off a bucket list first trip to NYC!) It was like not a minute had passed! That trip remains one of the most epic in all 17 of my sailings. We made so many friends. Annamaria added Zoran to my list of favorite Alchemists and we partied until closing every night. Hell of a way to ring in a milestone birthday.
I didn’t get to see Anna again until a late Feb/early March trip in California on the Carnival Panorama two weeks before COVID started. A prophetic trip in so many ways. My first cruise “out of season” for me. I’m a summer and Thanksgiving cruise gal. My first cruise without at least one of the kids. I went into it thinking life was finally looking up and came off the ship with the bottom pulled out of my world.
What has followed has been 18 months of moments of pure hell. Grieving that I delayed for four years. Self discovery. Growth. Figuring out who I am when I put myself first. That I get to come first! 90 lbs gone off my body. And through it all Anna has checked on me. And Em. Did I mention she adores Em? Despite being stuck at home due to COVID she got presents to both my youngest kids to celebrate their COVID warped graduations spring of 2020. This picture below was from our day in Puerto Vallarta where she got to get off the ship. Shots of Jagger (her favorite) while we walked around and lively lunch.
Puerto Vallarta March 2020
Now back to the idea….
What is happening today is a celebration of all that has been gained in the last 18 months. Strength. Independence. Freedom. Friendship. Relationships that last despite distance, disease, or time. I am rewarding myself with 8 days of sunshine, my precious ocean, island time, and a bar stool at my favorite bar. Celebrating strength Fred knew I had but I didn’t. Celebrating my next chapter and closing the last one (can I nail that one shut?). Celebrating that God gave me life and it’s not mine to squander or let anyone take away from me.
I am embarking on my first solo vacation ever. I get to knock this one off the bucket list. I am equal parts crazy scared and excited. But even more exhilarating is I am headed to see Anna. She has NO idea. It’s a total surprise. Her sweet hubby knows. Has known for weeks. I have no idea how he has kept it from her. Truthfully I have no idea how I have kept it from her or the world. Em thought I would crack weeks ago. I think the only way I have kept it has been to just not think or talk about the trip. 8 days of smiles, laughter, and reconnecting with my sweet friend sounds like pure heaven to me. 🙂
My message today is this. Life is short. Embrace those that love you even on your worst day and let the others kiss your ass. “Seas” the day and do the things you love that bring you joy. We only get one life and it’s too damn short to let anyone or anything make you unhappy. It may sound like a bunch of trite sayings…but it’s better to live life with the wind in your hair and a smile on your face than live with regrets.
Now I gotta go get my Vitamin Sea! – Amy
Exploring the world...talking about life...a little at a time
You must be logged in to post a comment.